Thursday, July 10, 2008

Seriously Lacking Motivation

I've done my best to live the right way
I get up every morning and go to work each day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
Explode and tear this town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody itching for something to start

--Bruce Springsteen, The Promised Land

This pretty much sums it up, more or less. But I don't think I want to pick a fight. I'd probably just sit there and cry. It's been a rough few weeks. And let's just say I need to pay better attention to my actions, and how they are intended vs how they are perceived. As my grandmother pointed out to me decades ago, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

This is one part of my current malaise. The other is that there has been news out there in blog land that shook me to my core when I read it (late of course). There is something about love not being enough to see someone through that breaks my heart. Every time. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in happily ever after in the fairy tale sense. But maybe I have always wanted love to be a salve. The right love to help heal the hurts. But it seems that again and again that is not the case. Maybe that is just ego. I don't know. I understand better now that one has to heal the hurts of their life under their own power. And the love that provides the strength for that is truly special and rare.

I sometimes wonder what, exactly, I am holding on to. And what would happen if I let go. Or if I have already let go on some level that I haven't quite yet admitted to my conscious self, even though I just typed these words. Guilt. Fear. Self incrimination. Blame. Shame. No way at all to live. Or is it all in my head? Wouldn't be the first time I over analyzed, when I should really just go to bed. But somehow this feel just a little different.

sigh.
r.

15 comments:

The Real Mother Hen said...

If you want to take a knife and cut this pain from your heart, and I give you a knife to do that, does that consider love? Probably not, but that serves my ego well and makes me feel better though, yeah I would have thought so.

When I run into problems, I go to sleep. I hide myself under the blanket and sleep for hours and hours. Then I wake up feeling fresh and alright and a new day waiting for me to kick ass that Mother Hen BS. It's shameful, but hey it works :)

Take care.

Fusion said...

...Or if I have already let go on some level that I haven't quite yet admitted to my conscious self, even though I just typed these words.

But you have typed them, so the feelings are real. Now you have to start thinking about it.

Think long and hard Rebecca.

Love is a tricky thing, and something more complex than I ever realised before I started reading about peoples lives here.

Maria said...

Bruce always says it so much better than I ever could.

simonsays said...

Oh Honey, now words of wisdom from this corner of the world, other than to say that Love IS a powerful force and often, I believe it can make all the difference. Since I don't understand what you are writing about and don't need to, just know that I am thinking of you...and praying that you soon return to your old self and be happy.

Hugs.

:)

The World According To Me said...

Love can be a complicated road, which often twists and turns. Black holes are stumbled into, and no entry signs can be infuriately frustrating. But sometimes the road is smooth and calm, and you can see wonderful things ahead. I hope you see the wonderful things ahead real soon....

simonsays said...

???


Check in.

Hugs.

SOUL: said...

been a long while since i've been over here-- but where you at-- how ya doin???

The Real Mother Hen said...

Hope you're feeling better.

Eastcoastdweller said...

I just listened on the radio this morning to the story of a Woman whose husband hasn't been intimate with Her for three years because She's gained 50 pounds.

Once, my answer to Her would have been easy. Drop that jerk like a hot rock and never look back.

But, as You are learning, and I am learning, and others here are learning, love is complex. Relationships seldom respond to easy answers. Life is no sitcom with a tidy ending guaranteed in 30minutes or less.

I think that You are doing many of the right things to heal Your hurts. Even just talking about them can help.

Kate said...

I have been wondering how you are, as you haven't posted in a while. If you go to bed, go for a little while, but then come back and talk a little more. Late summer seems to be a hard time for you. Last year, you experienced some clouds, as I recall...

suesun said...

Part of the problem is that we simply do not have enough words for "love".....
When we use the word, it is never quite understood the way it was meant. Or sometimes it is, but under a different circumstance it means something completely different. It's complicated.
Hold on. Let go. Hold on. Let go. Sometimes I just wish we could do both simultaneously.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

simonsays said...

Wondering how you are...and hoping that you are just really busy.

Hugs.

:)

Eastcoastdweller said...

Please be okay, just busy.

suesun said...

Where r u?

just a little worried here........

Eastcoastdweller said...

Just tell us that You've lost interest in blogging but that You are okay.