Friday, July 13, 2007

My Inner Hedonist

Most of the time, I am a very responsible person. I take care of my family, do well at work, I am considerate of my friends, and generally stay inside the lines. Most days, this is not difficult at all. I was raised to just get on with it, and I do. Lately, however, I feel very, very restless.

There is a part of me that wants to hang out like I did when I was in my twenties all over again, especially since I now actually LOOK BETTER than I ever did then. It's not like I missed my twenties. I definitely HAD them. I got married at 24, but didn't have Christopher until I was 30. There were many late nights. But I want to do it with my 41 year old head. In my twenties especially, I was defensive, very self conscious and afraid of being by myself. I'd never dance in public. I'd cling to whoever I was with for dear life. Now, on the few occasions I do get out, I march myself up to the jukebox, play my favorite (and usually OLD) songs and have a blast. I go places by myself without being panic stricken.

Maybe it is the stage of life I find myself in. Maybe it is the Gemini in me. I want to be social. Go out. Travel. Flirt and be flirted with. Dance. See things. Talk to people about new ideas. I've done several of these things in the last month or two and found myself in some very, ahem, interesting situations. But I felt alive! Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave home or anything. I can just feel myself straining against invisible reins and, right now, it is driving me nuts.

r.

9 comments:

Random Magus said...

Hey I understand it's not about wanting to leave home or anything it's just that sometimes you just want to let go and then there is this push and pull... if you can go on a vacation with your girlfriends...

Annie said...

Dropping by because I ran into a couple of your comments elsewhere....
I know what you mean. I also spent a decade being self conscious and insecure in my 20s + would love to take my slightly more secure and definitely less self-conscious self on a few good adventures.

JYankee said...

Gosh, don't I feel the same... thought I had that all "out" of my system.. but as u said, wanna do the same in the situation we are in now!

Bridget said...

Have you heard the saying "It's a pity that youth is wasted on the young." It seems no one can really enjoy being young and youthful until they feel like they are past that stage. Then you're trying with all your might to be that again.

David said...

They do say that youth is wasted on the young, but on the other hand you have to get experience somehow or you'd just be a dumb old fart. I think you and your husband need to go out dancing and have yourselves a good ol' time. Like NOW! :)

Epimenides said...

I'll second David's suggestion! It's only natural though to want to experience more in life, especially from our age perspective! There's a lot we can do differently in our 40s!!!

Uncle Phatato said...

I'm still in the stage of figuring stuff out...

Blur Ting said...

I find myself in the same situation as you. I lacked the confidence and felt self-conscious when I was younger but all these just went away as I move towards 40. Life experience helps.

rp said...

Thank you all for your support. I think that thinking too damned much can cause feelings of restlessness or dispair. I've clear the air with those I needed to, cleared my head, did some old fashioned physical labor (nothing like straining muscles to clear the emotional cobwebs!) and feel ready to be responsible me once more :)