Monday, May 21, 2007

My Love and My Lover

I have known both men for 19 years now. When I married my love nearly 17 years ago, I never imagined I'd ever again have carnal knowledge of my lover, much less with my husband's permission. For the past 9 years or so, I have enjoyed my lover on only a few cherished occasions. I do mental cartwheels in anticipation of our next encounter. We don't see each other enough for his body to not be undiscovered territory every time. What a delicious feeling! There are rules for our encounters: My husband must always be present, we may never cuckold him. Both my paramour and I have too much love and respect for him to violate these rules.

Maybe it is just the out-of-boundness that is so exciting, but I don't think so. My lover and I share a genuine affection, and absolute enjoyment of each others bodies. But he does give me to know on occasion that this is sex--base and for pleasure to be sure, but sex only rules apply. There are moments this stark realization makes me cringe: Am I a slut? Is this wrong? Does he think poorly of me, or think me loose? He is the only person I know who can access the submissive in me, but doesn't always. We can talk about sex, our sex, with no shame at all, and there is never a moment outside of the bedroom that I feel unvalued, or not respected.

I think the issue is largely in my own head. I love sex, but have a very difficult time with my sexuality. My husband has tried valiantly to get me to open up for years by taking a very direct approach to something I only tangentially acknowledge. For years I had horrible self image issues, and still do, just different ones. Add to that a near puritanical, shame based inability to outright own my sexuality, and you have a potent mixture of desire and reticence.


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